OSHKOSH, WI—Local man Brad Denton declared himself to be "unequally yoked" with his wife of 3 years, Kristine, after discovering Thursday that the woman doesn't really care for any of the films, merchandise, or extended universe material in the Star Wars franchise.
Denton claimed the issue has caused a "major rift" in his marriage, after she finally admitted she doesn't have any feelings for Star Wars one way or the other.
"Seriously?" he said as the two got into a heated discussion over the issue. "Like, I get if you don't like the prequels or even the Disney trilogy, but you've got to acknowledge the massive cultural impact the originals had—or at least Empire Strikes Back."
His wife then rolled her eyes and went back to her Instagram feed, muttering something about how dorky her husband is for using the term "massive cultural impact" in a discussion about a science fiction film about space magic.
"I definitely recommend that all you guys out there make sure you vet any potential mate, to ensure you're equally yoked with a fellow Star Wars fan," he told reporters. "It causes an insane amount of tension when you want to have a discussion about the moral themes of the Thrawn trilogy and she tells you to not bring it up for the seventh time today." He claimed other sources of tension in his marriage included his massive collection of Kenner Star Wars toys taking up an entire room, his tendency to stay up late into the night debating The Last Jedi online, and his habitual replaying of Knights of the Old Republic.
"She won't even do devotions with me when I want to rise early and read Stackpole's X-Wing novels," he lamented. "O that I had heeded the wisdom of Scripture!"