NEW YORK, NY—As Donald Trump prepared to meet with hundreds of top Evangelical leaders Tuesday morning, his aides were given the daunting task of trying to get the Republican presidential candidate up to speed on some basic biblical history. Turning to a method they knew would connect with Trump on his level, they reportedly dusted off an old flannelgraph found in the basement of a local church to give the real estate mogul a “quick primer” on key Bible stories.
“This guy right here? He’s Moses, who parted the Red Sea,” an aide is said to have slowly explained, putting up a felt likeness of the prophet as Trump blasted a liberal on Twitter on his phone. “Mr. Trump? Are you listening?”
“Yeah, Moab. Got it. Great guy, Moab. One of my favorites in the New Testament,” Trump declared while still looking at his phone, according to sources. The aide then reportedly moved on to other well-known Bible stories, such as Jonah and the great fish, David and Goliath, and several of Jesus’s famous miracles, carefully telling the stories while illustrating the narratives on the colorful, attractive flannel board designed to keep the attention of even the youngest children.
“Got it. Jonah swallowed a fish, there was a giant shepherd boy, and Jesus went around Iraq yelling at people,” Trump reportedly said. “There’s really not much to this theology stuff. I’m great at theology—the best, really. Don’t know why people think it’s so hard.”
At publishing time, Trump declared he was ready to address the gathering of Evangelical leaders, prompting aides to join hands in a prayer circle and beg God for mercy.